Interview with Sasquatch, Part 1
After much pursuing, cajoling, and extortion, we finally got Sasquatch to agree to an interview, which we conducted several weeks ago. He enjoyed it so much that he agreed to write a regular column for us, Dear Sasquatch. In part 1 of our interview, he explains why he’s always blurry in photos, discusses his relationship with Spiderman (it’s complicated), shares the secret to Sasquatch reproduction and why we never find any remains of his species, and confides in us about his skin condition.
Warning for young readers and the delicate: This part of the interview contains some explicit sexual references and innuendo.
Listen to part 1 here: http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/8/25/3187332/Sasquatch01.mp3
Interview Transcript (edited for ums and ahs)
Melanie: Hi, everyone. Welcome to an exclusive interview with the reclusive . . . SASQUATCH! He agreed to talk to the Teen Skepchicks. And those Teen Skepchicks happen to be Ali Marie. . . .
Ali Marie: Hey-o.
Melanie: I’m Melanie, and welcome, Mr. Sasquatch! Is it Mister, is that okay to call you that?
Sasquatch: It’s good to be here thank you. Mister is fine.
Melanie: All right, Elly, I think you wanted to start with your pressing questions.
Elly: Okay, we have a lot of questions here. I’ll try to pick a good place to start. Okay, here’s a good one. Why are you so averse to having your picture taken. You’re always fleeing and running away. What’s up with that?
Sasquatch: I love having my picture taken, actually, but the air of mystery around me means that I look perpetually blurred, so people usually throw the shots away. I actually get my picture taken quite a lot, but people don’t realize it’s me. They think it’s ghost photos or […]. I’m just in all their shots. I get in the back of them when they’re talking.
Elly: Okay, so that’s, that’s your thing, you just like to get in the back of pictures. You like having your picture taken. So that’s how you do it—you have to be sneaky.
So in the pictures we have seen of you, in their blurred-ness, typically your face looks like it’s not hairy, but the rest of you is. Do you shave your face, or is it just not hairy?
Sasquatch: I actually have a skin condition, which means that my hair falls out, but it only happens on this part of my face.
Elly: Oh, okay, all right. So just “skin condition.” All right, that’s, yeah.
Sasquatch: I’m very ill!
Sasquatch: And my chest is also bare.
Melanie: Are you metrosexual?
Sasquatch: Huh? What?
Melanie: Would you call yourself metrosexual?
Sasquatch: Um, for a sasquatch I am. We’re not so accepting in the sasquatch world. It’s a lot like Texas.
Elly: So is there a community of you, or is it just within your family that you feel this prejudice towards the femininity happening?
Sasquatch: Uh, no, there’s Uncle Steve. Sometimes known as the yeti. Aunty Steve, she’s called Rougarou. They’re all called Steve, and because I’m not called Steve, they’re all very, very spiteful.
Elly: Okay, so that does address another one of my questions, which is, do you mind being called Yeti or any of those other “Rougarou” names like (Melanie: Big Foot). Big Foot, yeah. Is that all you, or is that other people?
Sasquatch: I get offended by the word Rougarou because it sounds like a venereal disease.
Sasquatch: I’m only really offended by the footprints people present as evidence, you know. I wear shoes! They think I’m some kind of animal. I mean, really, it’s just insulting.
Elly: So where are the footprints coming from, then, if it’s not you? Is it one of those crazy uncles?
Sasquatch: Oh yeah, that’s Steve. He’s always doing them.
Ali Marie: But which Steve? We don’t know.
Sasquatch: They’re all called Steve. We don’t have any last names. They’re all called Steve.
Elly: Oh, okay. All right, that makes sense. Okay, do you attempt to evade paparazzi, or again, you like having your picture taken, so you just sneak in the back of shots of other people?
Sasquatch: I usually get around by using a grappling hook because people in America don’t look up very often.
Elly: That’s true.
Sasquatch: I fly over the top of them. But—
Elly: That’s so clever.
Sasquatch: I got caught by a couple of astronomers once, but that’s about it.
Ali Marie: What did they think you were? Did they think it was just a UFO, aliens or something?
Sasquatch: I think they thought I was Spiderman.
Elly: That’s legit.
Sasquatch: I hear someone made a movie about me. Or three.
Elly: Or four now.
Sasquatch: Yes, well, that wasn’t him.
Melanie: Is he pissed about that? Was he like, “What the hell? You’re impersonating me?”
Sasquatch: Sam Raimi?
Sasquatch: Oh, no. Spiderman, he’s great. I had a talk with him the other day. I wore my blur, he wore his mask, it was great.
Elly: Sounds like a party.
Sasquatch: It was. it was great. We invited Beast over. We had . . . yeah, it got a bit raunchy.
Elly: Like being tarred and feathered.
Sasquatch: He tried to pass me a cup of coffee, and I just couldn’t get it out of his hand.
Mox: Is that why part of your chest is bare?
Sasquatch: Yes, Spiderman accidentally waxed it.
Melanie: Uh huh. “Accidentally.”
Mox: I did not know Spiderman was so kinky.
Sasquatch: They leave that part out of the movies, but if you read the comics, he’s quite the pervert.
Elly: That sounds about right.
Melanie: Web bondage, obviously.
Elly: Oh yeah, totally. You mentioned that you wear shoes. What shoe size are you?
Sasquatch: Actually I’m size 200.
Elly: Wow, that’s off the scale.
Sasquatch: I get them specially made. The same place that does Sideshow Bob’s shoes, I just kinda borrow his template. It’s very expensive.
Elly: I can imagine it’s really expensive. How does Big Foot get money? How do you acquire funds?
Sasquatch: From counterfeit photographs. I take pictures of men in ape suits and claim they’re me.
Elly: Oh, that’s a lucrative business.
Sasquatch: And send it to the Daily Mail.
Elly: And send it to the Daily Mail. Oh, that’s perfect.
Sasquatch: They’ll buy anything.
Ali Marie: Probably true.
Elly: Oh yeah. Now we know where they’re getting it.
Sasquatch: Straight from the source.
Elly: As straight from the source as it can get.
Melanie: Well, yeah, hiding in plain sight. Very clever.
Elly: Do you have opposable thumbs?
Sasquatch: I actually have super-imposable thumbs.
Elly: I don’t even know what that means.
Sasquatch: They weren’t meant to be in. It’s very distracting.
Melanie: Can you describe that a little bit more? Because I’m having trouble picturing that.
Sasquatch: Sometimes I’m walking around, and my thumbs go away, and I end up on the front page of the newspaper.
Melanie: Oh, I think I saw them! Wow, that explains so much.
Sasquatch: I was made in Photoshop, and it’s all very confusing.
Melanie: I think I’ve seen your thumbs in photos. Like, you know you have your ghost blur images, people think are ghosts. I have a lot of photos with your thumbs, apparently. So, awesome.
Elly: Uh, where do you live, not like, regional, but where do live? Do you live in a cave, do you live in a treehouse, Justin Bieber’s garage?
Sasquatch: I’m actually on a witness relocation program, so I shouldn’t give away my address. But I do live with my mum in New York City. In a penthouse. And sometimes I come out, and I call myself Alec Baldwin and nobody realizes who I am.
Elly: It’s very well executed.
Sasquatch: I know. I thought so.
Elly: Do you like beef jerky?
Sasquatch: Actually the only meat I eat is the flesh of my dead ancestors.
Elly: Okay, so how do you get flesh from ancestors?
Sasquatch: I should clarify that. I only eat my dead relatives because I need to get rid of the bodies, so that humans can’t find it.
Elly: Oh, okay that makes sense.
Sasquatch: We’re actually very nice in the sasquatch world. You humans have it backwards.
Melanie: So otherwise, you’re a vegetarian? Apart from your own dead relatives—
Sasquatch: Mother-in-law, yes. Chicken, no. Next question.
Elly: So do you eat organic, other than the, you know, dying and dead ancestors and relatives.
Sasquatch: Yeah, I have to eat organic because processed food messes up with my blurriness, and I actually come into focus for a few seconds.
Elly: Ooo. Yeah, you wouldn’t want that. That would be bad.
Sasquatch: No, it would be terrible.
Elly: What’s your sign?
Sasquatch: I’m actually, uh, due to an accident when I was giving birth, I was—I was giving birth?
Sasquatch: Let me start again! When I was born, my mother had an accident, so I was actually born in all 12 months of the year.
Sasquatch: So I don’t have a sign. I’m actually quite a mixture, and it screws me up. So, uh, this might explain my schizophrenia for example.
Elly: Oh yeah, and the split personality disorder.
Sasquatch: Yeah, yeah, it’s very confusing.
Ali Marie: Is this related to being born in Photoshop as well?
Sasquatch: Yes, this is part of the problem. My mother couldn’t finish the project in one month, and she kept coming back to it. Her name was also Steve.
Elly: Of course, you know. They’re all Steve.
Sasquatch: I was actually going to be called Steve, but they chose Sasquatch instead. And never explained why.
Elly: You’re breaking the cycle.
Sasquatch: Yeah, I know. But that’s why they hate me.
Melanie: Will they hate you for doing this interview?
Sasquatch: They will, if they ever find out it’s me. Luckily I’ve perfected this British accent, so they’ll never find out.
Elly: Very sneaky, friend.
Sasquatch: It is. I’m actually from Iowa.
Elly: The Midwest, wow, that’s not expected. Especially Iowa. Nothing comes out of that state, and now we know Sasquatch comes out of Iowa.
Sasquatch: That’s why—nobody would ever look there.
Melanie: That’s true.
Sasquatch: Because there’s nothing there.
Melanie: That’s true. Aw, poor Iowa.
Sasquatch: Poor Iowans.
Melanie: We know it’s true. You’re not offending anybody.
Ali Marie: I mean, he is Iowan, so he can say that.
Melanie: Yeah, that’s right. That’s true. You can say anything you want that is totally offensive and derogatory about Iowans, because you’re from there. So go.
Sasquatch: Well, not everything.
Melanie: You’ve got to keep some things secret.
Sasquatch: Yeah, I don’t want to be sued by the British Chiropractic Association, so I’ll just stay away from that one.
Melanie: Okay, all right. So they’re all from Iowa as well.
Sasquatch: Yeah, they are. There’s no one actually lives in Britain. We’re all from Iowa— sorry, they’re all from Iowa.
Melanie: Biggest secret of the day.
Sasquatch: Britain is actually Iowa. Your maps have been lying to you. There’s no country next to France.
Melanie: We’re American. Our maps aren’t lying. We just don’t know how to read them.
Ali Marie: Well there’s also the evil librarian conspiracy, so.
Elly: Wait, what?
Sasquatch: I didn’t know about that.
Melanie: Explain this.
Ali Marie: It’s a book. There’s a book that reveals it all. It’s called Alcatraz versus the Evil Librarians. You should all read it.
Melanie: Awesome. All right.
Elly: Okay. Sasquatch, how do your species reproduce? Is it just Photoshop? Is there anything more complicated that goes into it?
Sasquatch: Yeah, I um, alternate my generations every week when I’m not pregnant. So every Friday I go through meiosis.
Elly: Oh, okay. That’s unexpected.
Melanie: Why Friday?
Sasquatch: Just when I like doing it. I’ve got a lot of free time. No one’s around.
Melanie: It’s not really a #followfriday trend. On Twitter.
Sasquatch: Yeah, well, I’m literally following myself around for a few hours until I can get myself off my back and chuck myself out of the house. By that time I’m them now. Pronouns don’t get confusing after a point.
Elly: So the asexually split-ness, is the other thing sasquatch also or is it Steve?
Sasquatch: It’s well, . . . that’s a good question. I think they prefer to be called Stevesquatch. It’s just nicer. They get to have the name of their original and also be accepted by my Steve family.
To be continued.