CryptozoologyInterviews

Interview with Sasquatch, Part 2

This is the continuation of our interview with Sasquatch. (Part 1 is here.) In this segment, Sasquatch gives us the lowdown on his beauty routine, from waxing to his favorite shampoo, plus his encounters with Nessie and aliens, his appearances on Doctor Who, and cooking tips for eating your dead relatives.

 

Listen to part 2 here: http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/8/25/3187332/wavsquatch%202.mp3

Interview Transcript (edited):

Elly: Have you considered waxing? Do you feel good about your hair? Or do you want it gone? You know, waxing is the most efficient way to do that, have you considered it before?

Sasquatch: Yes, I have considered it, being the metrosexual squatch that I am. I thought about manscaping, you know, then I realized I’d need about five buckets of wax, and I don’t have that money right now, even with all my Daily Mail articles. I need some donations. I’ll start a KickStarter account, and you can help me get towards five buckets of wax.

Elly: Oh absolutely

Sasquatch: It would be greatly appreciated. You’d be helping a fellow great ape out here.

Mox: You should just ask Spiderman, though. He would do it for free.

Melanie: Well, that’s true.

Elly: That would be a good service.

Sasquatch: No one will donate wax.

Elly: Well it would be web, not wax, but it would probably still the job.

Sasquatch: I could ask Spiderman, but you know, it’s a bit awkward since that night.

Elly: And you’d be slowly getting more naked the more hair you got removed—

Sasquatch: Funnily enough, he always keeps his costume on. I don’t know if he just doesn’t love me like I love him, or . . .

Elly: Got the whole unrequited love thing going on for Spiderman.

Melanie: Or, he just wants to be safe.

Mox: Awwww

Chilling at the spa before a waxing appointment. It was way too expensive.


Elly: Okay, so, you don’t have the ability to wax. What kind of shampoo or conditioner do you use? Do you use shampoo?

Sasquatch: Well, yeah, I used to use L’Oreal until I realized I wasn’t worth it, so now I just use Wash’n’Go so that I can have a shower and I can leave before anyone recognizes me.

[Awkward silence]

Sasquatch: Also I use terrible pun shampoo. [laughter] Just to keep the flow going.

Melanie: No wonder your locks are so gorgeous!

Sasquatch: I know.

Melanie: What do you dress up as for Halloween?

Sasquatch: Nessie.

Melanie: Nice. What does she have to say about that? You guys are friends, right?

Sasquatch: Her name is actually Jennifer Ness, and she’s quite offended by that fact. She has written me angry letters. But I told her she could dress as me for her birthday, so I think we’re even.

Melanie: Fair enough. Fair enough.

Elly: Have you ever met the Beast of Bodman? Which I have never heard of before.

Sasquatch: No, I don’t know what that is either. So I hope I haven’t met him, or he might be very offended.

Elly: You didn’t remember him at all, and he’s a beast, so he’s going to come after you.

Sasquatch: Yeah, can you help me out with that? I don’t want to die.

Elly: We’ll just relocate you again with the witness protection.

Sasquatch: Yeah, well, attempt number three, I suppose.

Elly: Have you ever met Nessie?

Sasquatch: Yes. Yes, I have. We had a meeting in her lawyer’s office after I dressed up as her. It was very nice. She had to keep sitting in the water, because obviously she’s aquatic, and it was very awkward. And then I realized she wasn’t real, and I was just hallucinating, and um, after that I went on my antipsychotic medication, and I’ve been feeling a lot better since.

Melanie: Clearly.

Elly: What else did you hallucinate? Have you ever met aliens, or anything like that?

Sasquatch: I have actually. Aliens were coming to earth, and they kinda parked outside, and they saw that creationism was still being taught in public schools, so they went home. It was a very short vacation.

Elly: They were disappointed.

Sasquatch: They were disappointed, and they phoned me to tell me about that, and I hope that wasn’t a hallucination.

Melanie: So you have a telephone number?

Sasquatch: Well, that’s a good point. Maybe I should’ve thought about that. Maybe it was a hallucination.

Elly: So that was before you started taking the anti-psychotics.

Sasquatch: Yes, it was, but the point still stands, I think.

Melanie: Do you have a cell phone?

Sasquatch: I do have a cell phone, but I don’t have a charger. So I had it for 12 hours, and now I can’t use it.

Melanie: So I can’t send you a Words with Friends request?

Sasquatch: Well, you could, but I wouldn’t be able to answer it.

Melanie: All right.

Sasquatch: I’m sorry. I’ll charge it, and we’ll do Words with Friends.

Ali Marie: And now Sasquatch will have a million Words with Friends requests.

Elly: You mentioned creationism being taught in schools and the aliens being disappointed. Part of that curriculum is, you know, there’s some carcass that they found that they thought was proof of Nessie being . . . something. What do you think about Nessie being used as an example for creationism and you not being used? Because obviously there’s a missing link, and, you know, people who are anti-evolution have been looking for it, and you’re it, right? You’re the missing link. Between us, and—

Sasquatch: Well, no, I’m not the missing link, unfortunately. They’re wrong, and evolution happened. That’s how I came to be. But I am offended that I missed out on my picture in another book, even if it was written by idiots. They will not be revealed here, which means that I can call them whatever I like.

[laughter]

Sasquatch:  Every one of you is an idiot. Love from Sasquatch.

Melanie: Love, Sasquatch. You’ve got to do it like a little kiss.

Sasquatch: I will. I won’t do it here.

Melanie: Do a lipstick kiss and we’ll put that on the post.

Sasquatch: Yeah, I’m not going to go get lipstick now, because—

Melanie: Because you don’t have it in your pocket. Uh-huh. Right. We believe that.

Sasquatch: No.

Ali Marie: I have one, Elly, if I can chime in.

Elly: Sure.

Ali Marie: Here at Teen Skepchick, we have a bit of a thing with Doctor Who. So, who is your favorite Doctor?

Sasquatch: My favorite Doctor is Paul McGann, who was only seen once. So he’s like the me of Doctor Who.

Melanie: Nice.

Sasquatch: He’s the one in the Doctor Who movie, for those that don’t know. I actually quite like that movie, but then he said he was half-human and that was terrible. That was a terrible mistake. I’m glad they just forgot about that afterwards. It’s a good movie!

Melanie: I can see why you’d identify with that Doctor.

Sasquatch: Have any of you guys seen that movie? I mean the start of that…

Elly: I haven’t

Mox: I haven’t either

Sasquatch: The seventh doctor space bubbles and bubbles throughout five minutes, and then he becomes Paul McGann, and he’s in the morgue at this point, and they pull him out, and it’s like,  it’s a bit . . .

Ali Marie: Yeah, that movie is an interesting time.

Sasquatch: It makes more sense than the other ones. It just looked a bit strange.

Melanie: Was it the typical Doctor Who “awesome” special effects?

Sasquatch: Um, no, they didn’t have the awesome special effects until the ninth doctor. So it was terrible.

Ali Marie: I don’t know. The special effects of four are wonderful.

Sasquatch: I know there was one monster they actually used condoms for. They actually blew up condoms and pretended they were, like, alien worms.

Elly: Interesting.

Sasquatch: The budget’s gone up since then, apparently!

Elly: Yeah.

Ali Marie: I don’t know. There’s one episode, something with the cybermen, where they used Saran wrap and tinfoil.

Sasquatch: I’m not sure all of Patrick Troughton’s monsters weren’t tinfoil.

Sasquatch and Patrick Troughton, the second Doctor

Ali Marie: Pretty much.

Sasquatch: It was black and white. You couldn’t tell.

Melanie: You couldn’t tell at all. It was very, very real.

Elly: You guys are making me feel like I’m a bad Doctor Who fan. I haven’t seen any of this older stuff.

Ali Marie: Weren’t you in an episode of Doctor Who?

Sasquatch: I think I was, but I can’t remember which doctor it was.

Melanie: With Matt Smith, the hotel one, is that what you’re thinking of Ali?

Ali Marie: No, one of the classic ones against the yeti.

Melanie: Oh, for real?

Ali Marie: Yeah, for real.

Sasquatch: Was it the third Doctor?

Ali Marie: I think it was. I think it was the third. It was in black and white, so it would have to be one, two, or three. There a few episodes of three that are in black and white. I think it’s a lost episode.

The Yeti from Doctor Who, “The Abominable Snowmen,” season 5, second Doctor

Melanie: I think if you look in the credits it says Steve. Just Steve.

Sasquatch: They didn’t pay me for that.

Elly: Uh, terrible.

Sasquatch: That’s why I can’t afford the wax.

Ali Marie: That’s true. If you had royalties from Doctor Who, you would probably be plenty rich to buy wax.

Sasquatch: They lost all those episodes anyway.

Ali Marie: I’m just trying to remember if that’s one we just have screenshots from.

Sasquatch: All right, hold on, hold on. Very quick Google. I’ve got that because I’m a sasquatch.

Ali Marie: Open the Google!

Sasquatch: To the Google!

Ali Marie: We’ve replaced the Batmobile with Google.

Elly: To the Google-mobile! One day we’re gonna have one of those.

To the Google Mobile!

Melanie: Yes, yes. Turn on the Wikipedia drive!

Sasquatch: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait

Elly: Like a warp drive?

Sasquatch:  The Time Warriors. Hmmm. I can’t find it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, you know.

Mox: Do you have any special talents?

Sasquatch: Any special talents?

Mox: Yes, like, I dunno, drawing?

Sasquatch: I’m pretty good at hide-and-seek.

Elly: That’s a talent.

Sasquatch: You know, you need that when you’re me. But, um, I do do good karaoke.

Mox: Okay, give us a sample.

Karaoke: one of Sasquatch’s many talents


Sasquatch: No.

Mox: No?

Melanie: What’s your favorite karaoke? Like, what’s your go-to karaoke?

Mox: Justin Bieber.

Sasquatch: No, not Justin Bieber, no.

Melanie: You protested a little too quickly.

Sasquatch: Yeah, well, you know, some things are a little better off forgotten.

Elly: The Sasquatch isn’t a Justin Bieber fan.

Sasquatch: No, no. He was a Justin Bieber fan, and then Justin Bieber let him down. In many ways. Let’s just say Justin’s not his real first name.

Melanie: All right, all right. Interesting.

Sasquatch: And his real first name is Steve.

Melanie: All right, the rumors are true.

Sasquatch: Yes, thank you to Patrick Troughton. I love you, you lovely dead man.

Melanie: So you do believe in ghosts, since you’re thanking one? You’re into dead people.

Sasquatch: If by “into dead people,” you mean I eat them, then yes.

Elly: So do you eat any dead people? Or just your sasquatch—

Sasquatch: No, just my relatives. It’s a thing we do. I’m actually a very moral person, I’m a vegan.

Mox: Do you eat them raw, or do you add sauces and herbs?

Sasquatch: No, I don’t eat them raw, because there’s some Steve parasites that are going around, and I don’t want to catch them. So I cook them away, and I serve them up with some fried peppers, some chilli, some noodles, and it’s all delicious. I don’t know if any of this is actually vegan, so I might have to check on that.

Melanie: You can make it vegan, I’m sure.

Sasquatch: I will.

Elly: I think it’s automatically not vegan because you’re eating people. But other than that, you know, you’re a vegan.

Melanie: Have you considered doing some kind of Food Network program?

Cooking with Sasquatch


Sasquatch: I have, but they told me my blurry face wasn’t fit for television.

Ali Marie: They do that all the time on television, blur out people’s faces, I don’t see why that would be a problem.

Sasquatch: I can’t get casting credit. They’d do the show, but I wouldn’t get paid.

Melanie: True, because you couldn’t prove it was you.

Sasquatch: Well exactly.

Melanie: That’s going to be a recurring problem.

To be continued . . .

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Melanie Mallon

Melanie Mallon

Melanie is a freelance editor and writer who just moved to a small town outside Minneapolis with her husband and two young kids. When not counting how often the words "pride," "liberty," and "freedom" are used in local business, road, and pet names, she spends her time wrangling commas, making colon jokes, and raising her two kids to be critical thinkers. She is the managing editor of Skepchick Events, a Grounded Parents admin, and a Skepchick contributor. You can find her on Twitter as @MelMall, on Facebook, and on Google+

2 Comments

  1. September 28, 2012 at 3:29 pm —

    Could the self-driving cars google is making be considered googlemobiles?

    • September 28, 2012 at 3:46 pm —

      It might get confused with the Google mobile (phone).

      So yes, they should totally do that.

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