Religion and SpiritualityScienceSkepticism

My creationist alter-ego speaks

My brain is currently on an overdose of the Answers Research Journal, the exemplary, cutting-edge, brilliant, peer-reviewed scientific journal of the creationist ministry Answers in Genesis. Their journal currently features authors from “prominent research facilities in the eastern part of North America”, such as Liberty University, Maranatha Baptist Bible College, AiG, Institute for Creation Research and the amazing intellectual scientific society known as the Creation Jesus Research Society. Isn’t it wonderful that scientists from such recognized institutions are publishing in a creationist journal? This must be God’s work, praise the Lord!

Despite conducting years of research into the very important, paradigm-shifting question of which day exactly microbes were created in the six-day creation timeline, the most brilliant creationist minds are still unsure of the answer. After all, we humans are not supposed to know God’s plans, but somehow creationists know exactly how God created the universe, and seek to understand how exactly microbes fit into God’s plan. There is no contradiction, just like how there are no, and never will be, any contradictions in the Bible. The research on when microbes were created in the Biblical plan will provide new insights on how the world works. We may even be able to conclusively show that microbes don’t actually cause diseases, and that evil spirits or God’s smiting abilities are responsible, so only faith healing would work! Isn’t this awesome? We might also someday show those evolutionists that the earth is actually flat and rests on pillars! Praise the Lord!

In our awesome, God-endorsed, Bible certified, creationist journal, it has been proven without a doubt that “Although we cannot be certain as to specifically when the Creator made microbes, it is within His character to make entire interwoven, “packaged” systems to sustain and maintain life.”, and this contributes to science in, uh, in the, uh, somehow, ok? Stop persecuting us!! Are you laughing? Smite smite smite, are you dead now? Praise the Lord!

We know that disease-causing bacteria was caused by the Fall, because before the Fall all was good! Our research methods (yes, it is the Answers RESEARCH Journal, so it is serious research!) in proving this include reading Genesis, reading it again, pretending that Genesis 1 and 2 don’t contradict, reading it aloud, reading it while on the toilet, thumping it, speaking in tongues while rolling all over the floor, reading it yet again, and praying. Lots of praying. Don’t forget the praying! Praise the Lord!

An awesome creation scientist has discovered that:

From a creation view, it appears, then, that the origin of microbial based disease has at least two primary causes, (1) post-Fall genetic alteration of the original good microbe and/or (2) post-Fall displacement or movement of the microbe from the site where it performed its beneficial function.

This makes so much sense, is good science, has been proven by our brilliant research methods of reading Genesis, reading Genesis again and praying; should be taught in schools, contributes so much to our understanding of disease, is Godly, is based on the Bible, and is amazing in its awesomeness and smite-preventing power! The origin of disease-causing bacteria is, of course, the Fall! Doesn’t this make things so much easier? Praise the Lord!

By reading Genesis, creation scientists have proven that disease causing bacteria originated after the Fall. This revolutionary discovery would have earned them a Nobel Prize if not for the Darwinian Inquisition that persecutes creationists. This discovery also shows that creationists are awesome in their scientific research and somehow, although we don’t really understand it right now, this discovery contributes more to science than anything Darwinists have ever done. All microbiology textbooks need to be rewritten, in one page, block-typed ‘THE FALL!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!’. This would reduce printing costs, prevent students from going broke, save paper, and hence reduce the number of trees needed – all in one Godly go! Creationism is good, praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord!!

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  1. FFFearlesss
    December 1, 2008 at 10:38 am —

    Oh such snarky snark first thing Monday morning. Loved it. Keep it up.

  2. December 1, 2008 at 8:07 pm —

    Sounds like me when I was a creationist. ^_^ Actually, not really, I didn’t praise god that much when I was a Christian.

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