There is No Santa Claus
Happy Merry Christmas (Eve). Sorry to break it to you but there almost certainly is no Santa Claus. Or Judeo-Christian god. But trust me, the Judeo-Christian god is much more horrid. If you’ve been naughty he tosses you in a lake of fire for eternity. At least all that Santa does is give you coal.
Exhibit A: I’ve seen the North Pole and there were no elves.
Last Christmas Eve I was on a plane ride to Shanghai, China for my winter vacation. Curled up with Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s book, Infidel in my hands, 72 hours of sleep deprivation causing me to have a few auditory hallucinations, and caffeine from 5 or 6 empty cans of diet coke running through my veins, I peaked out the window at the desolate arctic and can confirm that I saw no elves running around getting toys together, no fat man in a red suit, no reindeer, no sleigh, no workshop.
Of course, you might say, I could have just been hallucinating not-seeing Santa’s workshop due to my sleep deprivation, but I was lucid enough to finish Infidel (a good book, by the way). Still, I concede that the evidence is circumstantial at best. More circumstantial evidence is needed to make my case more compelling.
Exhibit B: Too many places at once.
Sure, you might say that the fat men in red suits running around the shopping mall handing out candy canes count as empirical evidence, but, even ignoring the fact that at any given moment there are more than one of these out in public, there’s a much more rational explanation. Somebody dresses up like Santa to perpetuate the myth so as to continue the consumeristic tradition of Christmas. Occam’s razor strikes again!
Exhibit C: Unprovability.
And how do those presents get under the tree at night? Isn’t it convenient that if you were to see Santa placing them there with your own eyes he would vanish at once just cause that’s what Santa does? In other words, it’s like an invisible dragon in Carl Sagan’s garage (and if you haven’t read Demon Haunted World yet despite my multiple recommendations, so help me God you have to). It’s unprovable by its very definition, but easily explained by your parents placing them there in your sleep.
Exhibit D: Contradictions in news reports on Santa’s whereabouts.
The news reports that do their “Santa Tracker” thingie, I’ve found, often contradict each other, leading me to the conclusion that they’ve made it all up. Oh, and by the way, they shut down NORAD a while ago. I doubt that they would reopen it just to track Santa Claus.
Sad day. Am I a curmudgeon scrooge for ruining Santa for you?
No. You’re reading Teen Skepchick, you probably knew already. Believing that a fat man in a red suit is going to come down your chimney and chuck a bunch of toys under your tree might have been nice when you were young, but you’ve grown up and it’s time to take joy in reality.
Celebrate just because it’s the darkest, coldest time of year and we need more light and warmth in our lives. If everybody else is going to be festive, why not be festive as well?
And, even without Santa, you’ll still get presents from friends, family, and unexpected sources.
Go ahead. Reason’s willing. Have the best Christmas Eve EVER!