My New Conviction.
I have good news for you all here at Teen Skepchick, Elles and I have agreed to live in the most righteous way possible. Through the only light in this wicked world. Jaffa Cakes. I would now like to share my personal relationship with Orangey goodness.
By joining the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit, I now have a set of specific beliefs that make total sense to me. I also have been given the tools I need to go through life with honor and dignity.
The key tenets of Jaffacakeology:
- We believe in the one true McVities, accept no substitutes.
- We believe that @cmkempe is our prophet, delivered to us by McVities to provide romantic erotica.
- We believe that Jaffa Cakes are the most delicious snack.
- We believe that all people of every creed (except Norwegians), color, sex, and sexual orientation go to Heaven, but only those who accept Jaffa Cakes as their Lord and Saviour go to the Land of Eternal Jaffa, the only area in Heaven that has a water slide.
- We believe that in stark contradiction to the above, if you are a really naughty person you will suffer for all eternity in Norway.
I have said the holy prayer out loud and in my heart:
Lord McVities, I have sinned against You and Your smashing orangey creation. I repent my sins. I ask You to come into my mouth and wash me with Your smashing orangey bits. I make Jaffa Cakes my Lord and Savior.
Oh Lord McVities, You are now more than my God; You’re my smashing orangey Father and I’m going to serve You all the days of my life. Jaffa Cakes are Lord.
If you wish to be saved all you have to do is repeat the prayer and receive eternal glory and water slide access.
That said, I have a message for all of you who consider yourselves Pastafarians. Repent your sins or suffer eternal damnation in Norway. I warn you Pastafarians, The Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit has declared an all out crusade on you and your silly faith in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We have also declared a crusade on the state of California. Prop 8 offends us. We believe homosexuality is Smashing!