Conspiracy Theories

The Penises! They’re Everywhere!

On Monday, The Colbert Report aired a truly hilarious piece on William Tapley, self-proclaimed “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” and “Co Prophet of the End Times.” Impressive titles! We’d better listen to what he has to say. And, boy howdy, does he have a lot to say.

Like all doom-sayers and conspiracy theorists, Tapley sees the signs everywhere. But his is a special gift. Tapley has an eye for phalluses. And no place more pushes penises in our faces than the Denver International Airport. You can watch the entire segment here (which I whole-heartedly recommend you do), but this got me thinking: if one airport is infested with penises, maybe they all are! Maybe even the one I fly in to and out of the most: Kansas City International Airport.

First, just so we know what to look for, let’s take a gander at that dirty, Godless, phallic symbol known airport code DEN.

Oh man! That’s so obscene! And…pointy. OK! Let’s take a look at this photo I took from the KCI website.

Do you see those three round buildings in the middle? Those are Terminals A, B, and C. Or so THE GOVERNMENT wants you to think! Look at this!

Look away! You're too delicate!

*gasp* I shouldn’t even be showing this to you. Teen Skepchick should be a .xxx domain. But wait! There’s more! Check out this picture of the control tower.

Normal control tower...

Or phallic symbol!

Or a secret rocket ship!

I can’t believe I’ve waited for flights in this modern day Sodom! I’ve used the bathroom there, you guys! I’ve spent hours waiting for flights…

Oh. My. Gawd. An airport is where airplanes live. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN AIRPLANE?!?

Do I need to paint a picture for you?!

The Kansas City airport might even be worse the Denver airport. Kansas City is known as the City of Fountains. Get it? Fountains? Fountains. I feel so dirty.

This conspiracy runs deep. But now that William Tapley and I have exposed it to the world, it’s only a matter of time before we BRING DOWN THEM DOWN. Who is “Them?” *scoffs* If you have to ask, you don’t deserve to be part of our revolution/apocalypse.

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Mindy is an attorney and Managing Editor of Teen Skepchick. She hates the law and loves stars. You can follow her on Twitter and on Google+.


  1. December 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm —

    I’m dying here, Mindy.

  2. December 7, 2011 at 9:21 pm —

    Ok, that was brilliant, dude.

  3. December 7, 2011 at 9:24 pm —

    Also? You just wrecked all the teen Skepchicks by exposing them to this foul and base profanity. Now we have to throw them all away, and get new ones. AGAIN! Rebecca!

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