One Direction Versus Pedantic Listeners
As the latest incarnation of the musical monomer and unsinkable rubber duck that is the 'teenage heart-throb boyband', One Direction have made a good portion of British citizens absolutely sick of their smug expressions, apparent physical perfection and that one member that looks a lot like Ellen Degeneres.
If your lyrics made this little sense you'd be pouting sadly too… probably…
I suppose it's good news for myself and other like-minded Brits that they've done a Piers Morgan and fled to the Americas, ready to sicken/entertain a whole new continent, and it is with that in mind that I give to you, the republic of internet, Eddy's guide to why One Direction's lyrics are the quackery of music, AKA why a logically-minded person should be so lucky as to avoid getting a headache from One Direction as bad as the metaphorical headache they have been to so many of us redcoats.
Let us take, as probably the finest example of lyrics that practically break the laws of physics: 'What Makes You Beautiful'.
The boys in One Direction would have us believe that the way the subject flips his/her hair makes them overwhelmed, but as we all know thanks to the truly Shakespearean linguist Willow Smith, it would be much more feasible for this androgenous adonis to whip their hair. Preferably back and forth.
As dictionary.com defines flip (used with object): 'to toss or put in motion with a sudden impulse'; this would suggest that the subject of this song (for brevity's sake let's call them 'shle'), is either somehow detaching shler hair from shler head and causing it to rotate in the air before (assumedly) landing back on shler head with no damage done, or shle's moving shler hair with an urgency that implies a physical recoiling.
For the second explanation of this flipping of hair, it would appear that the boys in One Direction are pleased to the point of being overwhelmed when this person is scared by something, shocked to the point of jumping backwards, or avoiding getting her hair caught on fire.
Needless to say that sounds very… creepy.
And because of that implication I'm going to assume that (as 1D are deemed 'heartthrobs') that the way the hair in question was flipped was with a method that defies the laws of physics and biology unless the subject immediately goes bald upon flipping hair, which would I suppose, be overwhelming.
But even if shler hair was permanently lost in this act of flipping and everyone in One Direction has a fetish for bald people, it would be a heck of a job to pluck all the hairs from your head with one 'flip', and as anyone who has had their hair pulled out will testify, it's a pretty painful thing to do just to impress five guys who (let's be honest here) just look like a pouting, shorter version of N*Sync.
In fact hairs are embedded relatively deeply in mammalian skin, and while flinging them off of your head wouldn't be as ridiculous as punching someone and losing an arm, you would have quite the job on your hands to try and purge these keratin-based fibrous superstructures from your head all at once.
If you managed to remove hundred of these structures in one motion you'd have more than just the members of One Direction overwhelmed.
If we instead, take the word 'flip' in its mathematical sense, we can postulate that this person is not only being stalked by five teenagers at the same time, but also has the ability to spontaneously transform shler hair into a mirror image of itself at will. Now that would indeed be overwhelming. It would also be basically impossible.
Okay, now I've got you thinking about that line way too much, let's move on to the first line in this song that really made me want to flip my hair in the literal sense: 'you don't know you're beautiful – that's what makes you beautiful'.
This line creates a paradox of sorts for the subject of the song, this person is sought after by all five of the shifty-looking members of One Direction because they're very attractive and don't know just how attractive they are. However, One Direction claim that the reason why this person is so attractive to them is because of shler ignorance of shler own appearance. We can them assume that One Direction are for some reason trying to get themselves over this person, because by releasing a song letting this person know that they are beautiful they are taking away the sole reason why this person is attractive to them in the first place. With this paradox in place, after the first time the subject hears 'What Makes You Beautiful' One Direction will be lying in every subsequent performance, for shle will no longer be beautiful to them.
That to me is not, even as love songs go, a very promising premise for a record.
There are more examples than this is One Direction's catalogue, such as the fact that 1D claim that another person that all five of its members are romantically interested in has 'that one thing' despite the fact that nobody in the band knows what that one thing is, therefore essentially postulating the lyrical equivalent of dark matter rather than doing a controlled experiment to determine what exactly that 'one thing' is. It would seem that One Direction are blissfully ignorant, and as we all know, pride and ignorance make a dangerous mixture.
Still, at least they don't step into the realm of making false hypotheses regarding heredity across generations of women. That facepalm inducing faux-pas is what Will.I.Am would like you to know as the 'Got It From My Momma Hypothesis'.
[For the record I am very aware that One Direction did not mean to imply that their shared crush can actively break the laws of physics but as someone who has been writing songs for over four years I believe that the band should be held accountable for their lyrics. This also gives me an excuse to poke pedantic fun at the straw men that their badly written lyrics create about the desires of five debatably talented men.]