Interview with Sasquatch, Part 3
This is the final installment of our interview with Sasquatch. (Part 1 is here and part 2 here.) In this segment, Sasquatch discusses the sport of extreme tumble-weeding, what he does when he needs medical care, how he writes with his huge hands, and the secret identities of some relatives.
Warning for young readers and the delicate: This part of the interview contains way too much Doctor Who discussion at the end. Oh, and some explicit sexual references and innuendo.
Listen to part 3 here: Interview with Sasquatch, Part 3, audio
Interview Transcript (edited . . . poorly):
Elly: What do you do when you need a little “me time”?
Sasquatch: Well, I get a lot of “me time” anyway because I’m always on my own, but I occasionally curl my hair and roll around and pretend to be tumbleweed, and it amuses people.
Elly: That does sound pretty amusing. Especially since you’re so big, just you rolling, trying to pretend the wind is blowing you, sounds—
Sasquatch: Yeah, I like to time it so I’m on film sets when someone makes a bad joke, and I just roll past.
Melanie: There goes Sasquatch again!
Elly: How do you get onto all these movie sets?
Sasquatch: If I hide in the undergrowth, I just look like a blur, so they just think there’s something wrong with the camera. They can’t tell I’m there.
Ali Marie: Do you do that as a practical joke, just try to make people think everything’s wrong with their equipment?
Sasquatch: Well, it started off as a practical joke. Now I see it as my job.
Elly: Fair enough.
Mox: What do you do when you’re sick? Do you go to a doctor, or do you self-medicate?
Sasquatch: I actually have a psychic surgeon.
Elly: That sounds very homeopathic to me
Sasquatch: They have to dilute me before they work on me. No, I have a doctor, and his name is Frank, and nobody likes him because he’s not called Steve, and he does all this work on me. Obviously, because of my skin condition, I need a lot of work, so he had to stop because he was working on me all the time and he wasn’t getting paid by his other customers. So now I’m just suffering on my own. Again, there’s a Kickstarter account next to the wax. I need healthcare. I hear Obamacare is going to help me out a little, but I don’t know how much.
Melanie: So do you use all-natural remedies for your skin condition? Like the herbs, you know, do you try to avoid Big Pharma when you’re taking care of your skin?
Sasquatch: Because I’m out in the open, I roll around in herbs a lot, and it doesn’t usually do me any good then.
Melanie: That’s a good point.
Sasquatch: Yeah. No, I take pills for my skin condition, but they don’t test on sasquatches because there’s only one of me.
Mox: They could test on Steves!
Sasquatch: They could. They’re all posing as other people, you know, likem Steve Buscemi, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Steve Jobs—obviously my uncle. He’s dead now.
Melanie: I’m sorry for your loss.
Mox: Me too.
Sasquatch: Thank you very much.
Elly: Was he delicious?
Sasquatch: Actually, he tasted a lot like apples.
Elly: All right, so we have this exclusive interview with you Sasquatch, um, you’re obviously real. Is Jesus also real?
Sasquatch: I don’t know if there’s enough evidence to prove that Jesus is real, but psychic Bigfoot did tell me that he was.
Elly: And no one else was there.
Sasquatch: And I might have drunk holy water.
Mox: Oooh, are you left-handed or are you right-handed? Or do you just use both hands?
Sasquatch: I actually write with both of my hands clasped together. Like I’m working a lever, and I kind of twirl around.
Mox: So because your hands are really big, do you use, like, tree trunks?
Sasquatch: I keep them in a hollow tree in Iowa, and I just pull ’em out.
Mox: To write your letters and send fan mail.
Sasquatch: Yeah, to write to the Daily Mail.
Melanie: Do you respond to fan mail? Do you get a lot of it?
Sasquatch: No, because of the witness relocation program. A couple of letters go through. They’re usually threats. I have to move again. You know, after that one incident. Spiderman usually, you know . . .
Elly: So Spiderman is real, or is that just before you started taking antipsychotics?
Sasquatch: It got a bit blurry around that point. The stickiness was real.
Melanie: Stickiness and the guy in the full costume.
Sasquatch: I put two-and-two together.
Melanie: Those were real.
Mox: So do you get a lot of requests for interviews, or is this the first time?
Sasquatch: This is the first time I’ve followed through on it. I get a lot of requests for interviews, but people don’t believe it’s me when I get there.
Elly: Because you’re blurry?
Sasquatch: Yeah, they think I’ve been censored. So they can’t air me on TV before nine o’clock, and it’s very awkward, and the paperwork’s just tedious.
Melanie: Yeah, is that because of the manscaping?
Sasquatch: Yeah, that’s partly due to it.
Melanie: You do some blurring.
Sasquatch: I can’t write. They didn’t have the novelty pencils as well, so I couldn’t put my signature down. And it was just, it was very stressful, and then my beard started falling out because of the skin condition, and my hands were all sticky.
Melanie: Man, you’ve kinda got a rough life, Sasquatch. I had no idea. I pictured you free and skipping through the forest.
Sasquatch: I live in Iowa!
Melanie: Skipping through the corn.
Elly: Yeah, we imagine you frolicking about, having a good time, and you’ve got all these problems.
Sasquatch: Sometimes you make the most of your life, sometimes you don’t. I try to take hold of it by the reins and, you know, blur my way into victory.
Ali Marie: Do you run into a big problem with people impersonating you, or claiming to be you, when they’re clearly not and they’re not even a Steve?
Sasquatch: Well, Penn and Teller did this thing, for their TV show, and I wasn’t getting paid for it, but then, it turned out that Teller’s actual first name, well, you figure out the rest.
Sasquatch: Penn isn’t a real name either.
Melanie: Well, duh.
Sasquatch: His real name is pencil. It’s very confusing.
Melanie: He’s a novelty pen. A giant novelty pen.
Sasquatch: A giant wooden novelty pen.
Mox: Does Bigfoot get white hair? Or is the hair constantly the same color, or does it have different shades of color?
Sasquatch: It wasn’t a fashion choice; it was the only one they had left in the Bigfoot store and—
Melanie: Bigfoot store! Where is this located?
Sasquatch: It’s in a hollow tree in Iowa.
Melanie: A hollow tree. Of course.
Mox: Is there a big forest in Iowa just filled with hollow trees?
Sasquatch: Occasionally I’m in there, just hanging out.
Ali Marie: Is Steven Moffat part of your family?
Ali Marie: Is Steven Moffat—
Sasquatch: Oh, because he’s called Steve! I missed an opportunity there. No, that’s one of the few Steves that isn’t related to me, and I’m incredibly disappointed. I sent him a few letters. He refused to acknowledge my existence.
Ali Marie: This is unsurprising. I’ve heard he’s not a terribly nice person.
Sasquatch: Yeah, well, I like Moffat.
Ali Marie: He’s brilliant. He’s just not very nice.
Sasquatch: I actually like Matt Smith better than David Tennant.
Melanie: Shut your mouth.
Sasquatch: So says Sasquatch.
Ali Marie: Also Eccleston.
Sasquatch: Eccleston was good. I liked Eccleston.
Elly: Nobody’s favorite is Eccleston.
Sasquatch: He was different, though.
Ali Marie: That’s not true at all.
Sasquatch: He was really different, and it was really refreshing. David Tennant and Matt Smith are basically the same.
Sasquatch: The way they’re written. The way they’re written.
Elly: Yeah, they are written really similarly. They’re both kind of like—
Sasquatch: Different levels of sexiness—
Melanie: Shut your hairy mouth.
Sasquatch: I don’t know.
Melanie: Whatever. That’s just blasphemy.
Sasquatch: I like Moffat.
Elly: I’ve actually only seen season 5, the first Matt run, I’ve only seen it through one time, and I’ve actually seen all of Doctor Who, this is the fifth time doing it. And I haven’t quite gotten to season 5 yet, so I’m giving him another chance to impress me.
Sasquatch: How did you make it through series 3?
Elly: I don’t know. I kind of like Martha. Mostly I like all the stuff that goes on—
Sasquatch: Martha was fine. It’s just that there were some really horrible episodes in that series.
Elly: Like which ones?
Sasquatch: Like when they were stuck in a traffic jam. The whole episode.
Elly: I thought that was pretty good.
Sasquatch: And there was like cat people.
Elly: Yeah, the cat people, so?
Sasquatch: They were stuck in a traffic jam for a thousand years because of alien crabs!
Sasquatch: This sounds like a horrible fan fiction but it was a real episode.
Melanie: OMG, when you put it that way, it just really makes the whole thing so different to me for some reason.
Sasquatch: It puts everything in perspective.
Melanie: Yeah, it really does.
Ali Marie: Yeah, but Davies was pretty much just writing fan fiction the entire time.
Sasquatch: He was!
Ali Marie: Moffat goes back to classic a bit more. Davies was like, I’m gonna do DRAMA now.
Sasquatch: That’s the thing. Moffat is a much better writer, I think.
Ali Marie: Yeah.